No, no estás en otra dimensión, este es un artículo en inglés, de hecho es uno ya viejo (el de las razones por las que esa chava no te va a pelar) pero decidí abrir una cuenta en TGWTG y Game Spot para subir algunos de mis artículos en inglés (aún espero que Cracked me dé el visto bueno), hasta ahora sólo he vuelto a escribir este, pero eventualmente haré más. ¿Por qué lo pongo aquí? pues sólo para que se vea movimiento aquí, hoy en la noche llega la actualización real.


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Let’s take for granted what it’s a 100% certain, that 98% of nerds are men, yes, I know that there are some nerd women around but they’re almost extinct, besides, they aren’t as nerd as we are. It happen to all of us that we like, really really like THAT girl, the girl of our dreams (and also she is the popular chick). We spent all the school year moaning for her, dreaming about how much both of you love each other, and you know what? that WONT happen, EVER, and here are the reasons:

6: Your incomes are limited to those that your parents give to you

Let´s go back to the past, to that time when you weren´t working, and obviously, you didn’t had any money, except for the two bucks that your dad gave you to buy your lunch at school, or, if you where lucky enough, your allowance. And that means that you can´t have that shining Nintendo 64 and your life is over.

This is in spanish, but it’s funny, this was a tv show to get people to fell in love and this isthe audition part (like American Idol), this is one of the worst and he is saying that will take a girl to the better restaurant with his family allowance that are 100 pesos every week (like 8 dollars)

But, when you grow a little older, you find something much worse than don’t have videogames, you CAN’T go out, and girls likes that, they like to eat (yeah, shocking). Now you´re living the worst part of your life, seriously. Now you have to face the ugly truth, now you aren’t just a nerd, you’re a poor one, and now you face something even worst than bullies: bullies with money that like the same girl than you!!! (because you like the cheerleader type), those guys not only have money, they have a car and they’re tall, strong and are douchebags that will ran over you with their Porshes (and the girl in it).

Yeah, now your facing the poor nerd puberty, AKA HELL!!!! Now you will pay for having a cheap dad and a mom who likes to do your hair cuts (ohhh memories).

It´s not all lost, you can still do… you’re screwed

The simple idea to talk to that girl, with your old shirt, your dirty shoes and some jeans that are two years old makes you choose to live with the burden of “what if…”. You´re so frustrated that even in your dreams that girl rejects you, you now knows that you will NEVER have her, you don’t have what it takes, MONEY… Of course, you could get a job but that won’t give you free time to beat Chrono Trigger, that levels won´t raise by theirselves.

5: Your shirt have an anime girl or a video game character in it

Something related to our last point, it’s when you’re in front of your wardrobe, looking to your old jeans, your only pair of sneakers and that bunch of polo shirts that came with bug holes that you DON’T know are there, but all of your classmates will notice right away. The best thing you have is that TMNT shirt that you got for Christmas or that Evangelion shirt with Asuka and Rei showing off their boobs (and screaming to the world that you haven’t touched a real one in your life). When you wear that and look into a mirror yoy think “oh I’m so gonna die virgin”

Read the text of the second shirt, will be your life

Now you know you wont get laid, even your Metallica shirt wont take you far with any girl.

Ok I admit it, I totally would wear those shirts, they’re awesome, by the way, if you get what the third shirt you’re totally a nerd.

Maybe you think: “Ok, I can buy new clothes” but you CAN’T, you don’t have any money and you can’t get some, your dad won’t give you enough and won’t give you a raise in your allowance. You don’t have any savings because you spent all of it in that Marvel vs Capcom 3 with the DLC, because you can’t live with and unfinished product.

So watch your situation, accept that you don’t have what it takes, you could get it if you have some money but can’t count with your dad and work sucks.

4: You’re a level 80 Paladin

So, your acquisitive capability is lame and even a drifter wont wear what you wear, your mom is the one that takes you to any place (because you can’t drive and are so afraid to take a bus) so you don’t have any social life so you take shelter in videogames, and God, you’re good at it.

You love videogames and spend all of your money in them. You have spent all of your childhood in front of a (small) tv with a joypad in your hands, and now you do that all the afternoon, in your weekends, all te time. You’re a God of videogames, and you hope that girl sees you playing and get naked for you because you rule in fighting games.

This is how you look in the game…

But all the glory of gaming come with a price, yo’ve got fat, week and slow, you can’t do any lifting but to change your cartridge (90’s) or go for a snak, and now you and your baby-arm will really suffer the consequences

… this is how you look

Girls like strong bodies, an that girl that you care just loves it. But you… you can’t do sports, just see you running make people laugh, and try it won’t help you either, you won’t get a “thanks for trying” award, you just will fall. The only way you can get strong will destroy you.

Of course, you could go to a gym but… you DON’T have the money to do that and you dad won’t give you extra money for the gym.

Well, is not all lost, all your Final Fantasy characters ar level 99.

3: She saw you when your bully kicked your ass

So, lets be honest, yo don’t have any money for better clothes, you don’t have muscles (surely you’re fat), you have all against you right? it can’t be any worse. Well, you’re WRONG!!! my nerdy friend, it really can be much worse.

Being a social moron have a fatal consequence, you know, besides that having a useless dong, and the worst thing is that you’re at the lowest social rank, the nerd lives in a world surrounded by dangers, where anything could kill him, and the bullies are their social nemesis, and they’re everywhere, always next to you, waiting, hunting. And your personal bully sits just behind you at school (because your teacher says so), exactly where you can’t see him. Now the school time it’s a torture and you suddenly stop thinking about doing that girl and start thinking in survival, yes, the nerd live in a survival horror world.

Picture this, you’re at school, sitting in class, getting that girl naked in your mind, your cock getting a useless erection, it’s al perfect in your live, but you’re forced back to reality when someone is pulling your underwear string behind you, and not gently, his doing it hard, when you came back to your senses you have an awkward piece of string up in your ass, and of course, all of your classmates are watching, and yes, even her is watching you.

shit does happens

In a movie, she will tell that douche to stop, yell at him and make you feel better touching her boobs, but this isn’t a movie, this is real life and she is laughing as hard as she can, pointing at you with her sexy finger. But wat, there is more!!!! remember your erection? well, now all the class will remember it too.


Now you will spend the rest of the day with a wide underwear, a pain in the ass and without any pride, but that’s not all, now you don’t have underwear and you NEED to buy some, so, there  it goes your savings to take that girl to a date, and your dad WON’T give you money for clothing in six months, so, you’re screwed again

2: You’re really shy but you’re great and funny and smart when people gets to know you

Translate in progress, please wait…

Until now, your life has turn you into an antisocial nerd, your few friends are like you so they won’t help you (they have their own problems), you’re shy, quiet and live in a dangerous world ruled by bullies, but despite all that, you still believe that you’re a great and funny person when you feel confortable with someone. You think that if that girl gives you a chance, you can make her love you because of your personality and funny Simpson quotes…

You’re WRONG!!!!, you’re not a cool guy, you’re not funny when people gets to know you, and thats the reason why you’re alone and horny all the time, your cock it’s as useless as a 20 year old hot prostitute in a gay bar. Yeah, your friends likes you and think your’re funny, but they’re just like you, nerds, they’re your friends because the cool guys don’t want to be theirs, they’re lonely and horny and can’t solve either theirs or yours problems.

And that shyness is what take that girl away from you, you two have never cross word (despite what you’ve done with her in your dreams, you pig!), she might even don’t know your name and if that isn’t the case, she refers about you with your last name. But… you think that if for any reason you two had to be near, like… in a class project, she will fell for you, and you live on waiting for that moment to happen, that’s the onlye reason why you keep going to school, and you know what? that moment WILL COME!!!!.

Some day, your teacher will change and instead to sitting you near a big bad bully, he/she will sitt you next to that girl, maybe you will be lab partners, maybe that was the only chair left, either way, you will be in heaven, smelling her hair and admiring her beauty. Now is your chance to make her love you, marry you and have your babies, now she will have the opportunity to know you, she will know the cool and funny guy that you are, and you wait, and you wait and… NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!, she doesn’t care about you, only wants you to help her finish the project, she almost didn’t talk to you. You had your chance and you blew it, and that’s because you’re NOT cool and funny.

You hope that the girls sees you this way, quiet, shy and sexy…NOT

Maybe you could use your brand new hi tech smart phone that you know girls loves and so you both can break the ice, but OF COURSE YOU CAN’T you don’t have the money for that kind of expensive gadget, maybe if you’re lucky, you have and old cell phone that might prefer to hide and the only reason you carry it it’s because your mom wants to be able to contact you in case that “something happens”

1: You’re ugly and stupid

That’s right, you can search for the right answers but all the things we read about are only excuses, the actual reason why that girl won’t ever be with you it’s because she doesn’t feel atracted to you, you’re ugly and stupid, maybe if you were rich she will put her eye on you but we both know that wont happen, and even if that happen, you have to fight against several other boys that are after her, maybe best looking and maybe with more money, yeah, maybe you’re smarter that all those guys but when you’re a teenager, that doesn’t matter to any girl.

Case closed

Or you coul get a fat chick…